ANNUAL REFLECTION

About a year ago we left the ship. On one hand, it feels like just yesterday; on the other, it feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it's so hard to believe that we actually did live in West Africa on a hospital ship... I think even as I type those words I'm trying to find it in me to believe it. About two months ago I read a blog written by a mother on the ship. The blog spoke of the pain of loss, a pain that is all too familiar. As I read the words I could feel my heart clench up and tears forming in my eyes, for absolutely no good reason. The pain of all the goodbyes I said on the ship still left their impression on my heart. Feeling such pain in saying goodbye to the ship made it hard to believe that any place could ever match its beauty.

I reread through my blog post that I wrote around this time last year and again the pain reappeared and the tears came too--except this time I knew why. Leaving the ship was one of the most difficult things I've had to do. I remember the uncertainty of the future, not knowing what I was going to do in the fall. I remember the sorrow of my entire family leaving the ship, knowing our return would not be soon. I remember each hug on the dock and how painful it was. I remember arriving in Norway thinking I was fine and then running in to my sister's arms crying, where she gently embraced me and was so gracious enough to hide me from our new Norwegian family. Reading my post, as my tears increased, I forced my mind to ponder the entire year and soon I couldn't help but cry even more. I don't know why God would place me in a place such as Whitworth, but I sure know I don't deserve it.

He placed me somewhere I know I don’t deserve. I’m surrounded by people I don’t deserve. I’m learning things I don’t deserve to have access to. I’m having adventures that I know I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve it, but I guess that’s grace? I don’t understand grace. how is it so wonderful? I feel like this past year i’ve just been absolutely drowning in it (David Crowder said it best… “if grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking). His grace has come in the most radiant of ways. He has rooted me somewhere that relates to the ship, though I was certain that was not possible. I don’t think I can even think about this past year with out being entirely humbled.

Something I've learned over this year is the power of prayer. I was reading a book around this time last year that said, when the Bible says "pray without ceasing", it is not an exaggeration. We should be always always always in prayer. I laughed at the idea, for how can we always be in prayer? I decided that I would try this concept though (or at least incorporate prayer more into my life… baby steps, baby steps). The countless nights I sat in my room praying and worshipping were just so overwhelmingly beautiful. There were nights when it was hard to keep going because I didn't get an emotional high. There were nights when I swore that I would never sleep because the presence of God was too thick to leave. During the time of waiting, it was all I could do to keep my mind and heart at peace. And the peace came. Slowly but surely I found rest in the shelter that Jesus offers. You see, a year ago I had no clue where I was going to be spending the school year. Whitworth was where my heart longed to be, but my mind said that was illogical and I needed to attend a community college. I couldn’t shake my longing to be at Whitworth, even though I had never visited and never even really researched it. Unfortunately Whitworth is expensive. Like… really expensive. That was the only thing blocking me from attending. I can’t count the amount of prayers I prayed for provision. My heart and my bank account were in conflict.

I remember as clear as ever the day when my bank account was screaming “no” at me and my head was hung low in desperation to know if Whitworth was where I should be. I was just jamming around my house and Jesus told me to read Psalm 37. (funny story: i only read it because the time was 8:37, my phone was at 37% and my emails were at 37... He works in cool ways). One part reads:
   
    “Delight yourself in the Lord
        and he will give you the desires of your heart.
    Commit your ways to the Lord;
    trust him and he will do this:
    He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
        the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
    Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him"

So I sat. I sat in silence and waited for the Lord. It was the strangest/coolest/most wonderful/beautiful thing. Almost as clear as day Jesus picked up his megaphone and told me, “Go”. So clear and so certain. Peace flooded me. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace that is not from this world. I tried to justify the peace but my bank account still lay empty and my situation remained unchanged. After I heard that word, God beckoned me to keep reading.

    “I was young and now am old,
    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
        or their children begging for bread.
    They are always generous
        and lend freely;
    their children will be blessed.”

My parents moving to America was a huge step for them. Having to leave the ship was one of the harder decisions I’m sure they have had to make; however, Texas is where they felt called and so they willingly followed his voice. The scripture was a word that I felt God was speaking as a promise to me. My parent’s faithfulness to him would not go unrecognised. For that moment though, I had to wait patiently. Confident that Whitworth was where I was supposed to be, I began to pursue it as though it was an actual option for my coming year. This was a week before I was supposed to go hop on a plane and fly to Whitworth. Over the next few days the peace was solidified. The anxiety that kept me awake most nights of my senior year disappeared, and I’m not exaggerating. I decided that regardless of what happened with my finances I would get on that plane to Spokane. If I couldn’t go to Whitworth, I would just hang out for 6 months; after all, I did have a return ticket to Texas in Decemeber. It sounds crazy but I was so resolute about going to Spokane. Hey, hanging out there for four months sounded good to me! Two days before I got on a plane to fly out, we were in the AT&T store buying cellphones and my dad received a text. The text that I had so patiently been waiting for. The text saying that I was being given more finanical aid than we anticipated, and the text that changed my entire year. It was the text that meant I could attend Whitworth. I couldn’t help but dance around the store (unfortunately quite literally) with joy filling my heart. I got home and ran to my mother as tears filled my eyes.

Jesus is good.

Reflecting on the moments that led up to boarding that plane to Spokane make my heart tighten and leap all at the same time. Jesus is faithful. My heart is swelling as I write these words and as I consider the year ahead. Though finances will always be a question while i’m at Whitworth, there is no doubt in my mind that he has called me there for this time. I suppose I wanted to write this all down (a) so I don’t forget the absolute wonder that Jesus is, (b) so that as I recall the story I can recall the emotions that went along and (c) so that I remember that Whitworth is where I am supposed to be despite what my bank account may try to convince me of.

It's crazy because this summer, in some ways, is even more busy and the future is still unclear as ever, but there's more peace. There are days when I still have to go running to my bed to collapse in the arms of my Saviour whose voice I just need to hear for a moment. Waiting. He comes. Comparing the anxiety that I felt a year ago, to the anxiety that I've felt lately, it's crazy the difference. It's in moments (in the midst of testing all my beliefs) when I wonder if God is real and if all of this is worth it, but it's so hard to stay in that mindset for long because the thoughts of God's faithfulness just come flooding back to my brain. This peace that he has supplied me is something that is not of the earth and I cannot achieve it on my own, so why abandon that?

As some of you may know (not many of you/if any of you have actually made it this far down my novel… kudos to you, let me buy you coffee sometime so I can hear your story—and I mean that sincerely, comment and I will ensure that the next time I see you coffee happens. if you’ve read this far, you deserve it!), I was offered a position as a Resident’s Assistant in the building that I have lived in this past year. The prayer that went in to that has made me absolutely confident that this is a position that I am supposed to be in for this time. It also means that being at Whitworth this next year is even more of possibility. I am excited by the anticipation of this next year, so much so that I get butterflies every time I think about it!! I’m excited to be challenged further and to learn more about who God is.

Anyway, I hope that my little story served as some encouragement to you, or at least provided a bit of entertainment. I suppose if neither of those, it’s refreshing to have finally documented this story for my own memories sake. Thanks for sharing in it.

May we never lose our wonder.